I love the New Year. Love Love it. Any order in my life gives me such pleasure, which is why I think I was born on New Year’s Eve. I start every year freshly older, and I love the definitive ending, celebration, and new start that this provides.
2015 was a tough year for me. I’m so amazed at everything that has happened, and the ways that God has been working on my shit with me, but there were a lot of growing pains. It’s exciting to look back and see how much distance you’ve covered. That hike, though. What an asshole.
My past year included such amazing things like graduating from college, relocating to Maine and moving in with my best friend, going to work on my business full time, adopting a dog (what in the living, breathing, actual hell. who the H is put an animal in my house?!?) and making new friends, and finally start paying myself for working!!! That last part is especially great, considering my business just turned eight!! Woo! What a banner year. I topped off the year by making a super awesome new friend, and spontaneously going to Denver with him to celebrate my birthday and the new year!
The aforementioned rough parts included starting the year with an unexpected breakup, three months in an immersive therapy group (if you’re feeling stuck and can’t figure out why, I would really recommend this program: it’s called Grace Adventure, and it’s based out of Kansas City. It’s the hardest and most rewarding thing you can probably ever do for yourself. I will sing its praises for twelve years), and another three in group and individual counseling in my church. I spent a lot of time working on my self, my relationships with friends, strangers, family, and God, and figuring out how I want to live and be. I moved 1,500 miles away from my business assistant, family, and friends, and the full time business pressure as well as the emotional hangover of all that therapy helped to incite a six month bout of mono. The end of the year held some heavily emotional family matters in both my and my roommate’s families. Woo baby. What a ride.
I’m very excited to see and recognize all the progress I made this year in growing closer to God and becoming a better person- someone I’m proud of being. I feel more open to growth and new possibilities, and surrounding myself with people whom I respect and admire and who push me to grow.
A theme I’m mulling over for the new year is the concept of trusting in God with my life. Currently I’m in a good place and ready to try to trust Him to direct my steps without needing to know exactly where we’re going, but for most of 2015 this was NOT the case. In all honesty, this is what brought about the mono; freshly graduated, working for myself full time, and a total loss of structure that was very overwhelming.
The thing that’s helped me turn around on this fear is a song by Steffany Frizzle Gretzinger (fuck yeah that’s her name, she’s not playing) called ‘We Dance.’
“You steady me
Slow and sweet, we sway
Take the lead and I will follow
Finally ready now
To close my eyes and just believe
That you won’t lead me
Where you don’t go“
Why does this feel like such a radical thought? It’s so scary to follow God into the unknown, continually choosing to give up the reins on your own life. It may not be for you (in which case true congratulations are in order), but I personally have a really hard time letting anybody else make decisions for me- even if the person making the decisions happens to be the Lord of the Universe, who wants everything truly Good for me, and whose love for me as a person extends to every corner of my being. EVEN THEN. Who’s in charge here? I think we’d all solidly agree that it shouldn’t be me, but DAMN DO I WANT TO BE RUNNING MY OWN SHIT.
But it’s true! Why the H would God ask us to step out in faith, and then just dump us at a random interstate rest stop? That’s not what will happen!! If we follow Him, He’s probs gonna lead us through some tough shit, but guess what!? He’s gonna be there the whole time, so it will be chill! Probably def not chill at all but He will 100% be there with you, so you’ve got backup in case shit goes down! It’s scary to follow God into unknown lands and uncharted territory with no itinerary, cause who loves not being in charge (not me I hate it), but it’s the ultimate comfort to know that we’re following the ultimate guide. Right? Maybe someone has some heretofore undiscovered abandonment issues. (Reminder: get hooked up with a new therapist.)
The thing about running my own life is that I am very limited in what I can know and aspire to be and do, and God has such a ridiculous, insanely amazing plan for my life that I couldn’t even begin to attempt to dream up. It would be stupid to think that I should be in charge of my life. And I’m 8,000% writing this to try to convince myself to believe it. The transition between knowing something and living as if it’s actually true is stupidly difficult. Pray for me.
What’s the deal here? Do you have any tips for trusting God with your shit?
Let me know! Teach me the things.
PS. So I made up this little graphic about a month ago, and since then, everyone in the Treehouse minus Lola has made it their phone background. What can I say. I am practically an incredibly famous graphic designer. NBD. All Chill. Feel free to put it on your phone. Tell all your friends.